Looking for answers

I've never been one to claim anonymity, but lately i've started finding the joy in it. Not just as a blogger, but as a person. Anonymity and secrets can sometimes go hand in hand. So, i've started keeping secrets. Not the gossip kind, but secrets for myself. Little things, like tv shows i like to watch that others might make fun of me for. Or, something i find joy in or find funny that i'd normally share with others. I never realized how good it was to have something for myself. Just for me, that no one else gets to be in on.

I'm normally the type of person that wants people to know about their life and take an interest in it, so sometimes i go to extremes to get attention, like being loud or just always being open, only with everyone. You can also lose a lot of friends that way. I've never really had a true best friend. I have friends of course, just not best ones. They dont feel they can trust me with their secrets, but what they dont realize is i'm not open because i'm a loud mouth and cant keep secrets. I'm loud because i want their recognition.

Also, because i share so much of myself with everyone i sometimes dont understand when people dont want things they tell me to be open knowledge, even if it's not harmful. I dont always understand and so people get mad. If they'd just asked me to keep it a secret i would have gladly. However, i am the type of person that will break that promise if i feel it could or is harming someone else, like another friend of mine. Maybe it's their thing to work out, but by divulging that information it makes it my business. Maybe that's wrong, who knows. Everyone thinks they have a grasp on social norms, but in reality, what is right or wrong? In my opinion, what's wrong is harming or hurting another friend. Getting mad at someone who is trying to be a good friend to everyone doesnt make sense. Maybe i shouldnt butt in, but maybe they shouldnt have been doing or saying whatever it was that was harmful in the first place. I think instead of transferring that guilt or anger onto the person who divulged it, is simply being imature and not dealing with your own demons.

However, that's not to say that a little gossip is not ok. I think that in the confidence of close friends, gossip or venting is completely ok. As long as you dont cross the line. Besides, sometimes you just have to get angry and vent and get over it.

Since coming to college, i've finally realized all of this. About myself, about others. And i finally have best friends. A support system. People i can share secrets or vent to and who can do the same with me. Maybe i dont have their trust completely, but i will in time. Because i know i wont divulge any of their secrets, and eventually, they'll know that too.

Before this year i thought i was pretty much a good person that nobody understood and just liked to pick on. I've come to know myself better after this year. I am a good person, and i am not understood, but not just by my peers. I dont understand myself. And that's because in essence, i dont fully have a sense of me. I was so busy trying to get everyone's attention all those years, that i didnt get to develop my own person. Sure i have a personality, but i dont have a certain schedule i follow everyday, like brushing my teeth, eating breakfast, etc. I just kind of float along, do my thing. I never created any habits or rituals for myself that would create me to be someone and not just a personality. When people say there's not much to me or i'm boring, i understand that now. I'm a ballet dancer, a swimmer, a minority, a friend, a sibling, a child, a grandchild, a cousin, an American, but who am I? In reality, i'm just a bunch of titles. But what's beneath those titles. There's a person definitely, with thoughts, feelings, and ideas. But sometimes i feel they're not truly defined. They're just the framework that's only half colored in. So this year i've begun to develop my own identity. A sense of me.

So far, i've come to the conclusion that i'm holding on to a lot of the past. Divorce in the family, problems with friends, problems in school, etc. And each one that's effected me, i blame for my issues now, but in reality, i am the issue. Isolating or feeling isolated from my friends is a result of me wanting to be everyone's friend. The divorces i know effected me the most. But it's a harder issue to figure out exactly how i was effected by it, and how much of it is part of my personality or shaped my personality. Family issues could take much longer to work out, so for now, they stay as they were. Then there's school. I've never been horrible in school, but this year has been the biggest struggle ever. I'm alone, in a dorm, and i have to account for myself, so when i come upon an obstacle i dont like or i just cant seem to figure out how to do it, i run. I disappear. I am scared of the confrontation. This is an issue i am currently working on, a lot. I cant seem to figure out how to make myself just do the homework, even if i cant figure out how i'm going to do it. Currently it's papers. I get stuck and i give up, get distracted and the next thing i know it's due and i'm not done. One of these days i'll get it, until then i'll have many long nights staying up finishing or trying to finish something i had all day to do.

In any case, i'm a big thinker. Most people wouldnt give a shit why they are the way they are. And most people deal with things differently, so i'm alone. And all i want are answers. And all i want to do is find answers to bigger puzzles that have absolutely nothing to do with me, but before i can do that, i need to know who i am, and that will take a while. It's weird to think that this summer i'll be twenty, have gone through two decades of life, and yet still not really know who i am. For now, i'll just have to put together all the whats that i am to try to find a sense of the who.