Je suis ennuyeuse

Lately I've felt my life is dull, lacking, and just plain boring. It's sort of a recurring thing. I know that in the past people have told me my personality is boring. So why shouldnt my lifestyle follow suit? I'm not sure if my life is actually boring or I'm just going through a phase. I think it's an accumulation of things. I know that in the three years since high school my personality has changed a lot. I'm not as hyper, loud, attention-seeking, and bubbly as I used to be. I learned that my friends tired of my behavior and I wasnt getting what I really wanted from them; support. So I've toned down. But I think I've done so in too extreme a fashion. Now, I prefer to stay in and watch tv or movies than go out and mingle. I think my idea of fun and hanging out is intertwined with the idea of drinking, which I dont like to do all the time. I think I'm being too severe on my own peers though. Plenty of people can have fun without alcohol or drugs present. I also think it's because I'm adjusting. It's hard transferring far away from home with no real family, no friends, and a heightened sensitivity. I think that my weight, my confidence, and my anxiety play a huge role in all of this. I let what I think people view me as, tear down my confidence and let my anxiety over not fitting in and thinking people wont like me overcome my outgoing personality. I'm realizing that since being hurt by my friends and ex-boyfriend in high school I've built walls. I never though I could be that type of person. I've always been very open, too open according to old friends. And I think that because of it all I'm much more introverted these days and I like spending time alone more than with people.

The problem is, I want friends. I want to hang out and go to games and get drunk. I'm 21 and I should be having the time of my life. Instead, I'm stressed constantly and it impedes my ability to have fun. When I first moved here I went down to the beach a ton, I was trying to learn how to surf. I havent been in over a month now and I realize that the stress of school and not having friends to hang out with and losing room mates for various reasons, created such stress and anxiety I'm becoming a hermit again. My disappointment in myself for another friendship or acquaintance gone sour just makes me hide. Why is it that everytime I make friends I find a way to get in a fight with them? Is this thanks to my dad and his tendency to push people away? It sucks because I dont know how to remedy it. I want to be half of who I was in high school and half of who I am now. Not either extreme. I want to be bubbly and happy and confident and carefree, but I also want to enjoy my alone time, be responsible, and stress-free, and do well in school. I just wish I could find the happy medium. Maybe I'm still adjusting, and maybe once it's over I'll find that medium, and perhaps this is all part of a phase of me getting older. I just hope I can pull myself together long enough to find some true friends here.