Recherche de l'amour

So I realized last night, I want to be in love again. I miss the feeling you get when you feel so comfortable with someone and so happy that you could lay in their arms forever. That one stroke from their hand upon your hair that gives you tingles and makes you feel all warm inside. That look. That penetrating, piercing look that says, "I love you."

It's been two years since I've felt that and I'm finally ready for it again. They say that, most, people go through a phase after every relationship where they are at first desperate for someone's affection, then going through the motions of getting over that person, and finally want to be single*. For some, they say this period takes at least half as long as the relationship, sometimes exactly the amount of time of the relationship. And usually the period of being single means either not wanting to go near a relationship because you want to be independent or not go through the hell you went through with the previous relationship. It's also usually because although you've convinced yourself you're over that person, in reality, you're not.

I stumbled upon my epiphany in bed last night when all of a sudden I thought of my last relationship in a good light and remembered that warm feeling you get when you're in love. I smiled thinking of some of the goofy and romantic times I'd had with this person, and all of a sudden I realized I wasnt angry anymore. I was allowing myself to remember these times I had been blocking from my memory because of the pain they had also caused. And it made me smile. It was almost a relief. Finally, after all this time, I found I could remember falling in love with a person in a positive light. I had held on to the pain my last relationship had caused for so long that whenever I thought of the relationship, I thought of it negatively and all of the wrongs that had been done. In return, it just made me want to stay single that much more. I still cherish my freedom and love being single, but I'm now finally starting to miss that feeling again. After such a long time of not wanting anything to do with it, it's nice to know I am ready for it the next time it happens. It's sort of like the saying, "You just have to get back on the horse again." Although I wouldnt necessarily say my time of being single was spent in fear, I do think I was protecting myself from getting hurt again. I was also for once, enjoying being single. Looking back from middle school on, all I remember was that feeling of wanting someone to want me and feeling inadequate without it. I finally realized that being single wasnt such a bad thing. In fact, it could be quite fun. However, I dont wont to stay single my entire life, and by holding on to my past, I'll never be able to create a future with someone new. Which is why, lying in bed, it hit me that I was finally ready for something or someone new. And when the time comes and that right person steps into my life, I'll know I am ready to accept them with an open heart, full of past mistakes and lessons learned.

*There are certain people who do not go through these phases whom I would like to call serial monogamists. We'll discuss this topic in more detail another time.