God

I am not religious. But I know that I believe there is something or someone out in the universe who "watches" over us all. He or she does not play a big role in our day to day lives, but they are there. Ever present and hovering. I also believe there must be a place like heaven b/c our lives here on Earth are too short and confusing to make real sense. And I'd like to think that all the people we've lost over the years are in a better place. I dont believe there's a place like hell. Putting all the "bad" people together doesnt make sense to me. In fact, it's almost too kind. I think that any person with an ounce of good in them can make it to heaven, but those with truly cruel hearts simply perish. I believe Jesus was a man, a carpenter, a good man, but no more. I dont believe in organized religion b/c it sets too many boundaries and is more concerned for its well being, power, and money, and not that of the people or the doctrines it teaches. I believe that those who feel the way I do are the most kind and compassionate people out there b/c we dont judge others by titles. We are accepting of all. I believe that although churches/religions preach to be accepting of all, they are the most hypocritical b/c they do not follow their own teachings. I believe the Bible is false and outdated. 

These are my beliefs. And I believe there are others like me out there who also believe the same. And some day, perhaps there will be some form of religion which brings us together, that transcends all others b/c it doesnt set the normal boundaries and guidelines of how to live. 

I bring all this up b/c for some reason today of all days, I find myself mourning the loss of my baby brother Kenus. He would have been born about 17 years ago with down syndrome. My mother chose to abort him b/c her and my dad were not getting along. They divorced later and I agree that my mother did the right thing b/c she wouldnt have been able to support all three of us. However, today I am missing him more than ever. And I dont quite understand how I can love and miss someone I've never met. It forces me to take a closer look at my beliefs which I have shunned for so long. But I know I must believe in something if I feel this way. I also know I am very grateful for my half brother Kenus and my half sister Karina. I love them so much. But sometimes it's hard being 8 and 12 yrs older than them. And that's usually when I think of Kenus the I. Becasue although he would have been mentally challenged, he would have been only 4 years younger than me, and closer to my age, and gone through the same things, and he would have been there for me when I needed someone. And vice versa. And it makes me miss him, or I guess the idea of him, so much. And I dont know where to put these feelings...b/c they dont apply to my regular everyday jumble of thoughts. And so I think about religion and God.

Lost in Translation

"I sing because I'm happy,

  I sing because I'm free,

  His eye is on the sparrow,

  And I know he watches me..."

Just reflecting on things and thinking about the future. My roommate has been studying for the GRE the past couple months. As we were talking about it this evening, and one of her friends who will be graduating from grad school this summer, I came to the realization that I know very little about grad school or what I should be doing to prepare for it. I am a ways off, but being 21 makes me feel like I should be much closer to that point, even if I'm not. I know everyone goes at their own pace and that there are other people like me out there who are sort of taking their time to get their degree, but sometimes i feel like my pace is just plain slow. And i feel like i just keep fucking up. I mean I did take 6 months off of school last spring, and I also transferred, but even so, being a year behind all of my old high school friends when I was already a year older than them in high school, just makes me feel like a failure. Or old. They might kind of go hand-in-hand. It's a ridiculous feeling and I have no idea why I'm going through and "age" phase. But for some reason it is such a big deal to me. I feel too old to hang out with my co-workers because they're all freshmen, but I feel weird hanging out with people my age because they are graduating next year and I'm not. I just dont really know what I'm supposed to do, or how I'm supposed to feel. It's all very frustrating. And I feel like I didnt take my first couple years of college seriously enough. I guess I just didnt really have a plan. I knew what I wanted to major in, but I guess I didnt realize how hard it was going to be, and that inevitably I would end up changing my major. I also didnt have any parental guidance since I'm the first person within my entire extended family to go to a four-year institution. I was so caught up in all the high expectations that I didnt really think a lot about what my end goal was. I just knew I was supposed to graduate. I think part of my problem is that everyone says college was the best time of their life, and I'm kind of still waiting for that. I feel like maybe I'm also purposefully stalling because I dont want it to end. Because the afterwards part is just a huge question mark ... ? I feel as though there are so many things I want to do, and that if I dont do them now I'll never do them, because i'll probably be stuck working all the time. But because there are so many things I want to do...and most of them cost money...I dont know how to fit them all in or where to begin. Some of the things are also so impractical or still silly childish dreams that I'm afraid to try them, most likely because i'm mediocre at everything I do. And because i'm mediocre at everything I do I feel as though I'm not good enough, and that there has to be something out there that I'm amazing at, but that I just havent tried yet. I think it's why I find the whole singing/dancing/acting thing so interesting. I love to dance and sing and I love watching movies, and the people that do these things seem to lead such interesting lives, that I think if only my life were like that: full of interesting people, wonderful experiences, and recognition. It is just very frustrating when the few things you love in life dont seem attainable. And I think because of that I'm floundering, because although I know my next immediate move, I dont know any of them after that. I dont know if what i'm doing now will be what i really want to do in the future, or if i'm making a mistake. I'm just so scared that I'll regret my decisions that I'm making now in the future. And I dont want that, but I dont know what to do about it. I'm just lost in the fog, and there is no one here to find me...