Lost in Translation

"I sing because I'm happy,

  I sing because I'm free,

  His eye is on the sparrow,

  And I know he watches me..."

Just reflecting on things and thinking about the future. My roommate has been studying for the GRE the past couple months. As we were talking about it this evening, and one of her friends who will be graduating from grad school this summer, I came to the realization that I know very little about grad school or what I should be doing to prepare for it. I am a ways off, but being 21 makes me feel like I should be much closer to that point, even if I'm not. I know everyone goes at their own pace and that there are other people like me out there who are sort of taking their time to get their degree, but sometimes i feel like my pace is just plain slow. And i feel like i just keep fucking up. I mean I did take 6 months off of school last spring, and I also transferred, but even so, being a year behind all of my old high school friends when I was already a year older than them in high school, just makes me feel like a failure. Or old. They might kind of go hand-in-hand. It's a ridiculous feeling and I have no idea why I'm going through and "age" phase. But for some reason it is such a big deal to me. I feel too old to hang out with my co-workers because they're all freshmen, but I feel weird hanging out with people my age because they are graduating next year and I'm not. I just dont really know what I'm supposed to do, or how I'm supposed to feel. It's all very frustrating. And I feel like I didnt take my first couple years of college seriously enough. I guess I just didnt really have a plan. I knew what I wanted to major in, but I guess I didnt realize how hard it was going to be, and that inevitably I would end up changing my major. I also didnt have any parental guidance since I'm the first person within my entire extended family to go to a four-year institution. I was so caught up in all the high expectations that I didnt really think a lot about what my end goal was. I just knew I was supposed to graduate. I think part of my problem is that everyone says college was the best time of their life, and I'm kind of still waiting for that. I feel like maybe I'm also purposefully stalling because I dont want it to end. Because the afterwards part is just a huge question mark ... ? I feel as though there are so many things I want to do, and that if I dont do them now I'll never do them, because i'll probably be stuck working all the time. But because there are so many things I want to do...and most of them cost money...I dont know how to fit them all in or where to begin. Some of the things are also so impractical or still silly childish dreams that I'm afraid to try them, most likely because i'm mediocre at everything I do. And because i'm mediocre at everything I do I feel as though I'm not good enough, and that there has to be something out there that I'm amazing at, but that I just havent tried yet. I think it's why I find the whole singing/dancing/acting thing so interesting. I love to dance and sing and I love watching movies, and the people that do these things seem to lead such interesting lives, that I think if only my life were like that: full of interesting people, wonderful experiences, and recognition. It is just very frustrating when the few things you love in life dont seem attainable. And I think because of that I'm floundering, because although I know my next immediate move, I dont know any of them after that. I dont know if what i'm doing now will be what i really want to do in the future, or if i'm making a mistake. I'm just so scared that I'll regret my decisions that I'm making now in the future. And I dont want that, but I dont know what to do about it. I'm just lost in the fog, and there is no one here to find me...