God

I am not religious. But I know that I believe there is something or someone out in the universe who "watches" over us all. He or she does not play a big role in our day to day lives, but they are there. Ever present and hovering. I also believe there must be a place like heaven b/c our lives here on Earth are too short and confusing to make real sense. And I'd like to think that all the people we've lost over the years are in a better place. I dont believe there's a place like hell. Putting all the "bad" people together doesnt make sense to me. In fact, it's almost too kind. I think that any person with an ounce of good in them can make it to heaven, but those with truly cruel hearts simply perish. I believe Jesus was a man, a carpenter, a good man, but no more. I dont believe in organized religion b/c it sets too many boundaries and is more concerned for its well being, power, and money, and not that of the people or the doctrines it teaches. I believe that those who feel the way I do are the most kind and compassionate people out there b/c we dont judge others by titles. We are accepting of all. I believe that although churches/religions preach to be accepting of all, they are the most hypocritical b/c they do not follow their own teachings. I believe the Bible is false and outdated. 

These are my beliefs. And I believe there are others like me out there who also believe the same. And some day, perhaps there will be some form of religion which brings us together, that transcends all others b/c it doesnt set the normal boundaries and guidelines of how to live. 

I bring all this up b/c for some reason today of all days, I find myself mourning the loss of my baby brother Kenus. He would have been born about 17 years ago with down syndrome. My mother chose to abort him b/c her and my dad were not getting along. They divorced later and I agree that my mother did the right thing b/c she wouldnt have been able to support all three of us. However, today I am missing him more than ever. And I dont quite understand how I can love and miss someone I've never met. It forces me to take a closer look at my beliefs which I have shunned for so long. But I know I must believe in something if I feel this way. I also know I am very grateful for my half brother Kenus and my half sister Karina. I love them so much. But sometimes it's hard being 8 and 12 yrs older than them. And that's usually when I think of Kenus the I. Becasue although he would have been mentally challenged, he would have been only 4 years younger than me, and closer to my age, and gone through the same things, and he would have been there for me when I needed someone. And vice versa. And it makes me miss him, or I guess the idea of him, so much. And I dont know where to put these feelings...b/c they dont apply to my regular everyday jumble of thoughts. And so I think about religion and God.