God

I am not religious. But I know that I believe there is something or someone out in the universe who "watches" over us all. He or she does not play a big role in our day to day lives, but they are there. Ever present and hovering. I also believe there must be a place like heaven b/c our lives here on Earth are too short and confusing to make real sense. And I'd like to think that all the people we've lost over the years are in a better place. I dont believe there's a place like hell. Putting all the "bad" people together doesnt make sense to me. In fact, it's almost too kind. I think that any person with an ounce of good in them can make it to heaven, but those with truly cruel hearts simply perish. I believe Jesus was a man, a carpenter, a good man, but no more. I dont believe in organized religion b/c it sets too many boundaries and is more concerned for its well being, power, and money, and not that of the people or the doctrines it teaches. I believe that those who feel the way I do are the most kind and compassionate people out there b/c we dont judge others by titles. We are accepting of all. I believe that although churches/religions preach to be accepting of all, they are the most hypocritical b/c they do not follow their own teachings. I believe the Bible is false and outdated. 

These are my beliefs. And I believe there are others like me out there who also believe the same. And some day, perhaps there will be some form of religion which brings us together, that transcends all others b/c it doesnt set the normal boundaries and guidelines of how to live. 

I bring all this up b/c for some reason today of all days, I find myself mourning the loss of my baby brother Kenus. He would have been born about 17 years ago with down syndrome. My mother chose to abort him b/c her and my dad were not getting along. They divorced later and I agree that my mother did the right thing b/c she wouldnt have been able to support all three of us. However, today I am missing him more than ever. And I dont quite understand how I can love and miss someone I've never met. It forces me to take a closer look at my beliefs which I have shunned for so long. But I know I must believe in something if I feel this way. I also know I am very grateful for my half brother Kenus and my half sister Karina. I love them so much. But sometimes it's hard being 8 and 12 yrs older than them. And that's usually when I think of Kenus the I. Becasue although he would have been mentally challenged, he would have been only 4 years younger than me, and closer to my age, and gone through the same things, and he would have been there for me when I needed someone. And vice versa. And it makes me miss him, or I guess the idea of him, so much. And I dont know where to put these feelings...b/c they dont apply to my regular everyday jumble of thoughts. And so I think about religion and God.

Lost in Translation

"I sing because I'm happy,

  I sing because I'm free,

  His eye is on the sparrow,

  And I know he watches me..."

Just reflecting on things and thinking about the future. My roommate has been studying for the GRE the past couple months. As we were talking about it this evening, and one of her friends who will be graduating from grad school this summer, I came to the realization that I know very little about grad school or what I should be doing to prepare for it. I am a ways off, but being 21 makes me feel like I should be much closer to that point, even if I'm not. I know everyone goes at their own pace and that there are other people like me out there who are sort of taking their time to get their degree, but sometimes i feel like my pace is just plain slow. And i feel like i just keep fucking up. I mean I did take 6 months off of school last spring, and I also transferred, but even so, being a year behind all of my old high school friends when I was already a year older than them in high school, just makes me feel like a failure. Or old. They might kind of go hand-in-hand. It's a ridiculous feeling and I have no idea why I'm going through and "age" phase. But for some reason it is such a big deal to me. I feel too old to hang out with my co-workers because they're all freshmen, but I feel weird hanging out with people my age because they are graduating next year and I'm not. I just dont really know what I'm supposed to do, or how I'm supposed to feel. It's all very frustrating. And I feel like I didnt take my first couple years of college seriously enough. I guess I just didnt really have a plan. I knew what I wanted to major in, but I guess I didnt realize how hard it was going to be, and that inevitably I would end up changing my major. I also didnt have any parental guidance since I'm the first person within my entire extended family to go to a four-year institution. I was so caught up in all the high expectations that I didnt really think a lot about what my end goal was. I just knew I was supposed to graduate. I think part of my problem is that everyone says college was the best time of their life, and I'm kind of still waiting for that. I feel like maybe I'm also purposefully stalling because I dont want it to end. Because the afterwards part is just a huge question mark ... ? I feel as though there are so many things I want to do, and that if I dont do them now I'll never do them, because i'll probably be stuck working all the time. But because there are so many things I want to do...and most of them cost money...I dont know how to fit them all in or where to begin. Some of the things are also so impractical or still silly childish dreams that I'm afraid to try them, most likely because i'm mediocre at everything I do. And because i'm mediocre at everything I do I feel as though I'm not good enough, and that there has to be something out there that I'm amazing at, but that I just havent tried yet. I think it's why I find the whole singing/dancing/acting thing so interesting. I love to dance and sing and I love watching movies, and the people that do these things seem to lead such interesting lives, that I think if only my life were like that: full of interesting people, wonderful experiences, and recognition. It is just very frustrating when the few things you love in life dont seem attainable. And I think because of that I'm floundering, because although I know my next immediate move, I dont know any of them after that. I dont know if what i'm doing now will be what i really want to do in the future, or if i'm making a mistake. I'm just so scared that I'll regret my decisions that I'm making now in the future. And I dont want that, but I dont know what to do about it. I'm just lost in the fog, and there is no one here to find me...

Meaning behind the name

Can anyone guess where I got my blog name from? 

Bixby Canyon Bridge - Death Cab for Cutie

I descended a dusty gravel ridge
Beneath the Bixby Canyon Bridge
Until I eventually arrived
At the place where your soul had died

Barefoot in the shallow creek
I grab some stones from underneath
And waited for you to speak to me

In the silence it became so very clear
That you had long ago disappeared
And I cursed myself for being surprised
That this didn't play like it did in my mind

All the way from San Francisco
As I chased the end of your rope
'Cause I've still got miles to go

And I want to know my fate
If I keep up this way
And it's hard to want to stay
Awake

When everyone you meet
They all seem to be asleep
And you wonder if you're missing your dream
You can't see your dream
You can't see your dream
You just can't see your dream

A dream

And then it started getting dark
And I trudged back to where the car was parked
No closer to any kind of truth
As I must assume was the case with you

The Heart Of Life

Sometimes I feel as though the only thing holding me together is music. Every once in a while I just need to snap out of a funk I get in and the only thing that seems to do the trick is music. It has the power to evoke such strong emotions out of me; joy, sadness, anger, passion, peacefulness, thought. It also almost always makes me want to dance. There's something about the combination of the two that gives me new strength, new perspective. I remember the one thing I always looked forward to in high school was going to dance class. The place that combined my two loves. We all used to sing along to the music and our teacher would scold us. But I always felt happy there. I could leave my troubles at the door, get any weight off my chest in there and leave it behind. I miss it so much because as much as I still listen to music, I dont dance to it as much, and I'm not required to twice a week. And with life rushing by I feel I dont spend enough time to "stop and smell the roses" as they say. In my opinion, those roses are music. They're the sweet smell that lifts my heart and remind me of the small, but good things in life. There are only a handful of people in the world who I believe think of music and/or dance like this. And as weird as it may sound, listening to music after a long day or when I'm in a funk is like bliss to me. I'm the sort of person that if it was socially acceptable would belt songs at the top of my lungs and dance to them with friends in public, just because we can. It's funny because I feel like an 80's movie saying things like that, but I just love it. I mean I could do it now...but seriously how would you look at me? ... exactly. Plus, as much fun as it is to do that with friends, not all of them understand the power behind it. Sometimes I feel so alone in the world because no one understands my love of music and dance. Even those in the music and dance industry. It makes me feel sad because I think of how much everyone else is missing out, and yet at the end of the day I'm the weird one...I'm the girl no one understands and I'm the one who feels left out and alone. So I stick to my music and I dance in my apartment alone. Someday I'm sure I'll find others who are as passionate about music and dance as me, but for now my heart remains loyal to music alone.

Je suis ennuyeuse

Lately I've felt my life is dull, lacking, and just plain boring. It's sort of a recurring thing. I know that in the past people have told me my personality is boring. So why shouldnt my lifestyle follow suit? I'm not sure if my life is actually boring or I'm just going through a phase. I think it's an accumulation of things. I know that in the three years since high school my personality has changed a lot. I'm not as hyper, loud, attention-seeking, and bubbly as I used to be. I learned that my friends tired of my behavior and I wasnt getting what I really wanted from them; support. So I've toned down. But I think I've done so in too extreme a fashion. Now, I prefer to stay in and watch tv or movies than go out and mingle. I think my idea of fun and hanging out is intertwined with the idea of drinking, which I dont like to do all the time. I think I'm being too severe on my own peers though. Plenty of people can have fun without alcohol or drugs present. I also think it's because I'm adjusting. It's hard transferring far away from home with no real family, no friends, and a heightened sensitivity. I think that my weight, my confidence, and my anxiety play a huge role in all of this. I let what I think people view me as, tear down my confidence and let my anxiety over not fitting in and thinking people wont like me overcome my outgoing personality. I'm realizing that since being hurt by my friends and ex-boyfriend in high school I've built walls. I never though I could be that type of person. I've always been very open, too open according to old friends. And I think that because of it all I'm much more introverted these days and I like spending time alone more than with people.

The problem is, I want friends. I want to hang out and go to games and get drunk. I'm 21 and I should be having the time of my life. Instead, I'm stressed constantly and it impedes my ability to have fun. When I first moved here I went down to the beach a ton, I was trying to learn how to surf. I havent been in over a month now and I realize that the stress of school and not having friends to hang out with and losing room mates for various reasons, created such stress and anxiety I'm becoming a hermit again. My disappointment in myself for another friendship or acquaintance gone sour just makes me hide. Why is it that everytime I make friends I find a way to get in a fight with them? Is this thanks to my dad and his tendency to push people away? It sucks because I dont know how to remedy it. I want to be half of who I was in high school and half of who I am now. Not either extreme. I want to be bubbly and happy and confident and carefree, but I also want to enjoy my alone time, be responsible, and stress-free, and do well in school. I just wish I could find the happy medium. Maybe I'm still adjusting, and maybe once it's over I'll find that medium, and perhaps this is all part of a phase of me getting older. I just hope I can pull myself together long enough to find some true friends here.

Back-Ups!

I'm realizing that some of my hobbies or the small things I take pleasure in can be a bigger part of my life. Especially if zoology doesnt pan out for me when I'm through with school. It's always good to have back-ups. Plus, they're the things I miss not doing and I've been wondering how to incorporate them into my life and I think I've sort of figured it out.

First off, after a wild and crazy day, I'm realizing how much I love decorating, rearranging furniture, and staging rooms. I find this a little funny as I always felt my room growing up was bare. But perhaps I didnt quite have the bug then. I also think I didnt go through with my plans a lot because of money. It's one thing to think up an idea and another to actually get to create it, which is why I never realized quite how much I loved it until recently. For example, my mother thought I was crazy for buying picture frames, etc for my room at home to decorate it when I was leaving for college in Hawaii within the month. I think I did it because I love to decorate and because I'm getting older and I'm at that point in my life where I want to own my own place, or at least my own apartment, and that means making it my own. And working at TJ Maxx I saw a lot of people who staged houses and who were interior decorators, and today it just got me thinking. In the future I could do something like that. It's all about networking and making connections and just letting people know you're out there. And for now I could just take simple everyday pieces and sell them online or something. It'd be great!

My other passion is dancing and choreography. This is the harder one. I would like to take a class or two at college so I can sharpen my skills and get back in to dancing because I miss it. I'm hoping that by doing so it will mean I have some sort of future with it, even if it's just recreational or volunteering.

Anyways, there will probably be more added later, but I'm a little preoccupied.