The Heart Of Life

Sometimes I feel as though the only thing holding me together is music. Every once in a while I just need to snap out of a funk I get in and the only thing that seems to do the trick is music. It has the power to evoke such strong emotions out of me; joy, sadness, anger, passion, peacefulness, thought. It also almost always makes me want to dance. There's something about the combination of the two that gives me new strength, new perspective. I remember the one thing I always looked forward to in high school was going to dance class. The place that combined my two loves. We all used to sing along to the music and our teacher would scold us. But I always felt happy there. I could leave my troubles at the door, get any weight off my chest in there and leave it behind. I miss it so much because as much as I still listen to music, I dont dance to it as much, and I'm not required to twice a week. And with life rushing by I feel I dont spend enough time to "stop and smell the roses" as they say. In my opinion, those roses are music. They're the sweet smell that lifts my heart and remind me of the small, but good things in life. There are only a handful of people in the world who I believe think of music and/or dance like this. And as weird as it may sound, listening to music after a long day or when I'm in a funk is like bliss to me. I'm the sort of person that if it was socially acceptable would belt songs at the top of my lungs and dance to them with friends in public, just because we can. It's funny because I feel like an 80's movie saying things like that, but I just love it. I mean I could do it now...but seriously how would you look at me? ... exactly. Plus, as much fun as it is to do that with friends, not all of them understand the power behind it. Sometimes I feel so alone in the world because no one understands my love of music and dance. Even those in the music and dance industry. It makes me feel sad because I think of how much everyone else is missing out, and yet at the end of the day I'm the weird one...I'm the girl no one understands and I'm the one who feels left out and alone. So I stick to my music and I dance in my apartment alone. Someday I'm sure I'll find others who are as passionate about music and dance as me, but for now my heart remains loyal to music alone.

Je suis ennuyeuse

Lately I've felt my life is dull, lacking, and just plain boring. It's sort of a recurring thing. I know that in the past people have told me my personality is boring. So why shouldnt my lifestyle follow suit? I'm not sure if my life is actually boring or I'm just going through a phase. I think it's an accumulation of things. I know that in the three years since high school my personality has changed a lot. I'm not as hyper, loud, attention-seeking, and bubbly as I used to be. I learned that my friends tired of my behavior and I wasnt getting what I really wanted from them; support. So I've toned down. But I think I've done so in too extreme a fashion. Now, I prefer to stay in and watch tv or movies than go out and mingle. I think my idea of fun and hanging out is intertwined with the idea of drinking, which I dont like to do all the time. I think I'm being too severe on my own peers though. Plenty of people can have fun without alcohol or drugs present. I also think it's because I'm adjusting. It's hard transferring far away from home with no real family, no friends, and a heightened sensitivity. I think that my weight, my confidence, and my anxiety play a huge role in all of this. I let what I think people view me as, tear down my confidence and let my anxiety over not fitting in and thinking people wont like me overcome my outgoing personality. I'm realizing that since being hurt by my friends and ex-boyfriend in high school I've built walls. I never though I could be that type of person. I've always been very open, too open according to old friends. And I think that because of it all I'm much more introverted these days and I like spending time alone more than with people.

The problem is, I want friends. I want to hang out and go to games and get drunk. I'm 21 and I should be having the time of my life. Instead, I'm stressed constantly and it impedes my ability to have fun. When I first moved here I went down to the beach a ton, I was trying to learn how to surf. I havent been in over a month now and I realize that the stress of school and not having friends to hang out with and losing room mates for various reasons, created such stress and anxiety I'm becoming a hermit again. My disappointment in myself for another friendship or acquaintance gone sour just makes me hide. Why is it that everytime I make friends I find a way to get in a fight with them? Is this thanks to my dad and his tendency to push people away? It sucks because I dont know how to remedy it. I want to be half of who I was in high school and half of who I am now. Not either extreme. I want to be bubbly and happy and confident and carefree, but I also want to enjoy my alone time, be responsible, and stress-free, and do well in school. I just wish I could find the happy medium. Maybe I'm still adjusting, and maybe once it's over I'll find that medium, and perhaps this is all part of a phase of me getting older. I just hope I can pull myself together long enough to find some true friends here.

Back-Ups!

I'm realizing that some of my hobbies or the small things I take pleasure in can be a bigger part of my life. Especially if zoology doesnt pan out for me when I'm through with school. It's always good to have back-ups. Plus, they're the things I miss not doing and I've been wondering how to incorporate them into my life and I think I've sort of figured it out.

First off, after a wild and crazy day, I'm realizing how much I love decorating, rearranging furniture, and staging rooms. I find this a little funny as I always felt my room growing up was bare. But perhaps I didnt quite have the bug then. I also think I didnt go through with my plans a lot because of money. It's one thing to think up an idea and another to actually get to create it, which is why I never realized quite how much I loved it until recently. For example, my mother thought I was crazy for buying picture frames, etc for my room at home to decorate it when I was leaving for college in Hawaii within the month. I think I did it because I love to decorate and because I'm getting older and I'm at that point in my life where I want to own my own place, or at least my own apartment, and that means making it my own. And working at TJ Maxx I saw a lot of people who staged houses and who were interior decorators, and today it just got me thinking. In the future I could do something like that. It's all about networking and making connections and just letting people know you're out there. And for now I could just take simple everyday pieces and sell them online or something. It'd be great!

My other passion is dancing and choreography. This is the harder one. I would like to take a class or two at college so I can sharpen my skills and get back in to dancing because I miss it. I'm hoping that by doing so it will mean I have some sort of future with it, even if it's just recreational or volunteering.

Anyways, there will probably be more added later, but I'm a little preoccupied.

Recherche de l'amour

So I realized last night, I want to be in love again. I miss the feeling you get when you feel so comfortable with someone and so happy that you could lay in their arms forever. That one stroke from their hand upon your hair that gives you tingles and makes you feel all warm inside. That look. That penetrating, piercing look that says, "I love you."

It's been two years since I've felt that and I'm finally ready for it again. They say that, most, people go through a phase after every relationship where they are at first desperate for someone's affection, then going through the motions of getting over that person, and finally want to be single*. For some, they say this period takes at least half as long as the relationship, sometimes exactly the amount of time of the relationship. And usually the period of being single means either not wanting to go near a relationship because you want to be independent or not go through the hell you went through with the previous relationship. It's also usually because although you've convinced yourself you're over that person, in reality, you're not.

I stumbled upon my epiphany in bed last night when all of a sudden I thought of my last relationship in a good light and remembered that warm feeling you get when you're in love. I smiled thinking of some of the goofy and romantic times I'd had with this person, and all of a sudden I realized I wasnt angry anymore. I was allowing myself to remember these times I had been blocking from my memory because of the pain they had also caused. And it made me smile. It was almost a relief. Finally, after all this time, I found I could remember falling in love with a person in a positive light. I had held on to the pain my last relationship had caused for so long that whenever I thought of the relationship, I thought of it negatively and all of the wrongs that had been done. In return, it just made me want to stay single that much more. I still cherish my freedom and love being single, but I'm now finally starting to miss that feeling again. After such a long time of not wanting anything to do with it, it's nice to know I am ready for it the next time it happens. It's sort of like the saying, "You just have to get back on the horse again." Although I wouldnt necessarily say my time of being single was spent in fear, I do think I was protecting myself from getting hurt again. I was also for once, enjoying being single. Looking back from middle school on, all I remember was that feeling of wanting someone to want me and feeling inadequate without it. I finally realized that being single wasnt such a bad thing. In fact, it could be quite fun. However, I dont wont to stay single my entire life, and by holding on to my past, I'll never be able to create a future with someone new. Which is why, lying in bed, it hit me that I was finally ready for something or someone new. And when the time comes and that right person steps into my life, I'll know I am ready to accept them with an open heart, full of past mistakes and lessons learned.

*There are certain people who do not go through these phases whom I would like to call serial monogamists. We'll discuss this topic in more detail another time.

Looking for answers

I've never been one to claim anonymity, but lately i've started finding the joy in it. Not just as a blogger, but as a person. Anonymity and secrets can sometimes go hand in hand. So, i've started keeping secrets. Not the gossip kind, but secrets for myself. Little things, like tv shows i like to watch that others might make fun of me for. Or, something i find joy in or find funny that i'd normally share with others. I never realized how good it was to have something for myself. Just for me, that no one else gets to be in on.

I'm normally the type of person that wants people to know about their life and take an interest in it, so sometimes i go to extremes to get attention, like being loud or just always being open, only with everyone. You can also lose a lot of friends that way. I've never really had a true best friend. I have friends of course, just not best ones. They dont feel they can trust me with their secrets, but what they dont realize is i'm not open because i'm a loud mouth and cant keep secrets. I'm loud because i want their recognition.

Also, because i share so much of myself with everyone i sometimes dont understand when people dont want things they tell me to be open knowledge, even if it's not harmful. I dont always understand and so people get mad. If they'd just asked me to keep it a secret i would have gladly. However, i am the type of person that will break that promise if i feel it could or is harming someone else, like another friend of mine. Maybe it's their thing to work out, but by divulging that information it makes it my business. Maybe that's wrong, who knows. Everyone thinks they have a grasp on social norms, but in reality, what is right or wrong? In my opinion, what's wrong is harming or hurting another friend. Getting mad at someone who is trying to be a good friend to everyone doesnt make sense. Maybe i shouldnt butt in, but maybe they shouldnt have been doing or saying whatever it was that was harmful in the first place. I think instead of transferring that guilt or anger onto the person who divulged it, is simply being imature and not dealing with your own demons.

However, that's not to say that a little gossip is not ok. I think that in the confidence of close friends, gossip or venting is completely ok. As long as you dont cross the line. Besides, sometimes you just have to get angry and vent and get over it.

Since coming to college, i've finally realized all of this. About myself, about others. And i finally have best friends. A support system. People i can share secrets or vent to and who can do the same with me. Maybe i dont have their trust completely, but i will in time. Because i know i wont divulge any of their secrets, and eventually, they'll know that too.

Before this year i thought i was pretty much a good person that nobody understood and just liked to pick on. I've come to know myself better after this year. I am a good person, and i am not understood, but not just by my peers. I dont understand myself. And that's because in essence, i dont fully have a sense of me. I was so busy trying to get everyone's attention all those years, that i didnt get to develop my own person. Sure i have a personality, but i dont have a certain schedule i follow everyday, like brushing my teeth, eating breakfast, etc. I just kind of float along, do my thing. I never created any habits or rituals for myself that would create me to be someone and not just a personality. When people say there's not much to me or i'm boring, i understand that now. I'm a ballet dancer, a swimmer, a minority, a friend, a sibling, a child, a grandchild, a cousin, an American, but who am I? In reality, i'm just a bunch of titles. But what's beneath those titles. There's a person definitely, with thoughts, feelings, and ideas. But sometimes i feel they're not truly defined. They're just the framework that's only half colored in. So this year i've begun to develop my own identity. A sense of me.

So far, i've come to the conclusion that i'm holding on to a lot of the past. Divorce in the family, problems with friends, problems in school, etc. And each one that's effected me, i blame for my issues now, but in reality, i am the issue. Isolating or feeling isolated from my friends is a result of me wanting to be everyone's friend. The divorces i know effected me the most. But it's a harder issue to figure out exactly how i was effected by it, and how much of it is part of my personality or shaped my personality. Family issues could take much longer to work out, so for now, they stay as they were. Then there's school. I've never been horrible in school, but this year has been the biggest struggle ever. I'm alone, in a dorm, and i have to account for myself, so when i come upon an obstacle i dont like or i just cant seem to figure out how to do it, i run. I disappear. I am scared of the confrontation. This is an issue i am currently working on, a lot. I cant seem to figure out how to make myself just do the homework, even if i cant figure out how i'm going to do it. Currently it's papers. I get stuck and i give up, get distracted and the next thing i know it's due and i'm not done. One of these days i'll get it, until then i'll have many long nights staying up finishing or trying to finish something i had all day to do.

In any case, i'm a big thinker. Most people wouldnt give a shit why they are the way they are. And most people deal with things differently, so i'm alone. And all i want are answers. And all i want to do is find answers to bigger puzzles that have absolutely nothing to do with me, but before i can do that, i need to know who i am, and that will take a while. It's weird to think that this summer i'll be twenty, have gone through two decades of life, and yet still not really know who i am. For now, i'll just have to put together all the whats that i am to try to find a sense of the who.